Christmas

It's hard to even know what to write about this Christmas, but it been weighing on me heavily and I sort of feel like I need to write something about it down.  Maybe it'll help to make it all make sense.  But then again maybe certain things don't need to make sense or are better off left in the realm of mystery, beyond comprehension.  

Grief sucks.  Really badly.  

My cousin who I love dearly and who I've basically looked up to all my life, gave birth to a beautiful baby girl, Nancy Ann.  Nancy Ann was only with us for 9 hours before she died.  

I am very grateful that I was able to go to Baltimore last weekend and be a part of the funeral and to just be with family and be sad.  The pain of losing a child is beyond description.  It seems to me to be the deepest and darkest of pains.  Without words or boundaries of any sort, it spreads and grows and covers everything.  It is horrible and terrifying and sacred in its absoluteness.  

On the Monday we returned from Baltimore (so this monday) we learned that one of my mom's best friends from high school and long time family friend had been murdered over the weekend by her boyfriend, who then proceeded in the most cowardly and disgusting of fashions to kill himself.  

The point is, we spend a lot of our lives saying things like God will never give us more than we can handle, and even if things get rough, we'll have love or each other or our faith.  What never occurs to me is how damn much could be asked from us.  The world feels raw and dangerous right now.  And I feel extremely self centered as these things have not happened to me directly but to those whom I love and care about.  but I grieve grieve grieve.  It is all I can think about most days.  

And I love.  My boys (all three) are amazing.  I have held them closer and tighter the last few months.  And while I did let many of the details of Christmas go this year, less gifts, no cards, very little baking, my Christmas day was more wonderful than it has been in a long long time.